Joined in 2023 
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63 About this deal
I’m hard and hairy on the outside but soft and wet on the inside. What’s inside me tastes great in your mouth. What am I? The only thing I can offer to put ladies at ease is that I am of no sexual threat whatsoever. I’m 42 years of age, I literally have to hit it with nettles. Sex with me these days is akin to thumbing marshmallows into the anus of a cat.” – Greg Davies
If they’re making cakes for divorces, why not ‘Happy Menopause!’ ‘Mmm, it’s a bit dry. Why is there no jam? Have you run out of eggs?
Hilariously Smooth Pick Up Lines
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big d**do on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a d**do. She said “I knew it, ass**le, explain the d**do!” He said, “Explain the kids!” My wife is amazing, she never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows. But her bird collecting is starting to get out of control.
I have a long shaft. I always penetrate with the tip first and I always come with a quiver. What am I? What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between br*asts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked? How would you embarrass an archaeologist? Put a used tampon in his hand and ask him which period it came from!A man is walking down the street at 3am when he is stopped by the police. The police ask him where he is going at this hour to which the man replies "I am heading to a lecture on alcohol abuse and the effects which it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." They say one in ten people want a sex toy for Christmas, and that’s a lie, isn’t it? You open presents in front of your family! Who’s there going, ‘What have you got, Nan? A b**t plug? Same here!” – Russell Howard What do you think goes inside someone dry and hard but ends up coming out wet and soft? A piece of gum.
The man then asks, “Then tell me God, why on earth did you make women so dumb?” God immediately replied, “So they would love you.” My wife gave me a handjob the other day using Vaseline. I came three times trying to wash that shit off.
The Best Dirty Jokes You Can Tell To Create Good Memories with Family and Friends
There was a wife who texted her husband a romantic message... She wrote: “I love you. If you wake up, send me your dreams. If you laugh, send me your smile. If you eat, send me a bite. If you drink, send me a sip. If you cry, send me your tears.” Then her husband texted: “I’m on the toilet, advice please.” I didn’t have sex at all, not a scrap til I was 67. And that was cos I’d no small change for the window cleaner.” – Victoria Wood What secret ingredient to a happy, long-lasting marriage? Find a woman who can take care of the household, someone who is wild in bed, and one who is financially blessed. Ensure that these three women never come face-to-face with one another.
What is the similarity between procrastination and masturbation? It all feels great until you realize that you’re just screwing yourself. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts. Why is masturb@tion just like procrastination? It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself. Texting short nasty jokes to your partner on occasion might help keep the flame alive in the relationship. What’s fluffy and poking out of your pajamas in the middle of the night? Your head. One of the nasty jokes for her.A man is being arrested by a woman police officer, she says to him, "Anything that you say can and will be held against you." I’m not calling you a slut, I’m calling you a penny: two faced, worthless, and in everyone’s pants. Baby, is it in?’’ ‘‘Not yet.’’ ‘‘Does it hurt?’’ ‘‘A little.’’ ‘‘Let me push it in slowly.’’ ‘‘Still hurts?’’ ‘‘Yeah.’’ ‘‘Damn, let’s try another shoe.’’
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